“my mother in-law felt that she had more claim on this child…”

I was very excited when I first found out that I was expecting my first child. My family as well as my in-laws were all very happy given that this baby would be the first grandchild on both sides. I had a very easy pregnancy Alhamdulillah and I was looking forward to meeting my baby. There were some things that came up whilst I was expecting that I didn’t necessarily agree with – my mother in law insisted that I was not to wear black clothes as this was considered a bad omen during pregnancy but I just went along with it as I didn’t want any unnecessary drama or stress especially whilst pregnant. Other traditions of hers were harder to accept. She told me that it was not right to have my husband present at the birth, that it would be immodest to have him there and that he wouldn’t be much help to me; she claimed she would be the best person to be my birthing partner. As this was my first baby and I didn’t know what to expect, I was easily influenced and went along with her. It all came down to control – the baby was not yet born but my mother in law felt that she had more claim on this child than any other party involved including myself. From the day, she found out that I was pregnant, my mother in-law would pray that I would give birth to a baby boy and whenever she saw me, she was convinced that I was carrying a boy. She was so convinced that I was carrying a boy, that when we went to shop for baby clothes, she bought all boy clothes.

My waters broke spontaneously two days before my due date however as I had no contractions, I was induced after 24 hours. The staff were asking me about pain relief and were recommending for me to have an epidural as the oxytocin drip was quite strong but my mother in law flat out refused for me to have one. She said that I would regret it and that it would cause more problems after I had given birth. She also told me that she never had one and neither did her daughters and that I should be ‘strong’ like them. The pain was excruciating and my labour was long. I kept asking for the epidural and the midwife was also pushing me to have one as my labour was long and I was too exhausted to push properly. My mother in law was completely against it. I ended up needing an episiotomy and suffered from a third-degree tear. I remember the midwife telling me I had a baby boy and my mother in law leaving my side to rush out to inform everyone I’ve had a boy.

Unknown to me, my brother in laws had come down to the hospital and my mother in law bought them into the labour room to see the baby. I remember thinking that my husband was not allowed at the birth yet somehow it was ok for them to come in and see the baby before I had even had the chance to be stitched up. I remember feeling so embarrassed at them seeing me in my postnatal state. 

I wanted to breastfeed my baby but my mother in law told me that I “wasn’t clean enough” but as I had a third-degree tear, I was waiting to be taken in to theatres therefore I wasn’t able to shower and she happily bottle fed my baby.

Coming home from the hospital was a bittersweet experience. Whilst I was happy to be home, the tradition within my in-laws was that I needed to stay home with the baby for 40 days. I didn’t agree with this at all but to keep the peace, I decided to go along with it. The 40-day period is meant to be for a new mum to recover from pregnancy and child birth and to build up the strength to look after a new-born. Traditionally this would mean having a break from doing house work, cooking and other chores but in my case, all that was expected from me was that I wasn’t able to leave the house with the baby. It was a very lonely time for me and combined with baby blues I really struggled. Breastfeeding was discouraged and being a new mum with little support, I really struggled to grasp the concept. I was constantly being told that I’m not strong or healthy enough to breastfeed and my milk wouldn’t be sufficient enough for the baby. Looking back, I wish I was more in control of the entire experience and spoke up for myself. Whilst there is so much good in our South Asian traditions, unfortunately, many require some sacrifice of mental health.